There are many customs for what traditionally may happen in a home where someone is marking shiva: 

Door: the front door is left open or unlocked for those paying a condolence call; the mourner is exempt from needing to greet guests during shiva.

Food: is brought or provided for mourners. Eggs, a symbol of life, are often eaten at the first meal following burial.

Mirrors: mirrors are covered, as mourners are unconcerned with vanity or their appearance during shiva.

Shoes: mourners do not wear shoes, or may wear slippers, while others not in mourning keep their shoes on.

Stools or low chairs: mourners are experiencing grief, and are not comforted by material comforts such as plush couches and chairs.

Some people stay inside their homes throughout the time of shiva. After shiva ends, it is customary to take a walk around the block to signify reentry into the world before returning to work and other worldly tasks.

Clip source: The Shomer Collective

(recited by family, friends, neighbors) 

Oh, Holy One of Blessing, at this liminal time of ___________’s death, I am filled with tears

at the loss of life. In the frenzy of making funeral arrangements, I am blessed to step forward,

knowing there is much to be done to honor our grieving (friend, cousin, etc.).

Guide me to mindfully prepare the house of the mourner and to arrange their environment in the traditions that will hold and support them in love throughout the period of shiva.

May ___________’s Soul feel welcomed to return home, one last time in Olam HaZeh before ascending to Olam HaBa. May my selfless efforts bring a droplet of comfort and healing to the mourners as they take on their new role without their beloved ________.

By Rabbi Eva Sax-Bolder

Though this ritual is designed to be done in advance of the soul accounting we do on Yom Kippur, it may be used at any time of the year to reflect on your mortality and prepare for having these end-of-life conversations. You can complete one or more of the seven questions below, as you wish. 

Keep revisiting and revising until you feel it truly reflects your thoughts and feelings. Consider if and when it fits into your Jewish New Year preparations, or if it makes sense at another time of reflection, such as after receiving a diagnosis, reaching a new decade or confronting one’s mortality. 

Whenever you choose to write this letter, review it each year and update as needed. And remember, this can be sensitive and emotional work. Please proceed with caution.

Annual Life Review Task 1: Acknowledging Relationships Think about the people who have figured prominently in your life in the last year. What are their names?

Annual Life Review Task 2: Remembering Key Moments Recall meaningful moments in your life that occurred in the last year. Can you describe them? 

Annual Life Review Task 3: Asking for Forgiveness Write the names of the people who you may have hurt in the last year. Use this opportunity to consider how and when you may ask for their forgiveness.

Annual Life Review Task 4: Forgiving Others or Moving Through the Hurt Write the names of the people who have hurt you in the last year. Consider how and when to forgive or move through the hurt.

Annual Life Review Task 5: Saying "Thank You" Write the names of the people in your life you wish to thank based on your life over the last year. Use this opportunity to identify what they did for you, why you are thankful, and how and when you want to express your gratitude.

Annual Life Review Task 6: Saying "I Love You" Write the names of the people in your life for whom you have felt love in the last year. How and when might you express this love to them ahead of the new year?

Annual Life Review Task 7: Saying "Goodbye" What or who do you want to say goodbye to based on your life in the last year? Consider what or who you would like to let go from the past year.

Clip source: The Shomer Collective

The Torah commands us to honor our elders and suggests that we reach our elder status at 70. But you can use this celebration of wisdom ritual for any birthday that feels momentous. Begin by gathering loved ones, whether family members, close friends or neighbors. You may invite guests to think of special memories or to share photos before the gathering. And of course, serve a meal with their favorite foods.  

We say shehecheyanu to thank the Creator for giving us life, sustaining us, and allowing us to reach this day. It’s a time to pause and feel gratitude for marking momentous occasions, like a birthday. 

בָּרוּך אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶך הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וקְִיְמָּנוּ והְִגִיּעָנוּ לַזְמַן הַזֶה

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha’olam, shehecheyanu, v’kiyimanu, v’higiyanu la’z’man ha’zeh.

Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the Universe who has given us life, sustained us, and allowed us to reach this day.

Now is a moment for those present to reflect on our special person’s life so far, to acknowledge their accomplishments, to celebrate their values, and to share favorite stories about them. 

Next, we look to Chapter 90 of the Book of Psalms to share our wishes for reaching this special birthday.

Teach us to number our days,

that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Relent oh God! How long will it be?

Have compassion on your servants.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,

that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

for as many years as we have seen trouble.

May your deeds be shown to your servants,

your splendor to their children.

May the favor of our God rest on us;

establish the work of our hands for us—

yes, establish the work of our hands.

(Excerpt from Psalm 90)

As we look to the future, we invite the birthday person to share their goals and aspirations for the future.  Others are invited to offer words of encouragement, support, and advice for the next chapter of their life.

Finally, we close by lighting a candle to represent the years we have to celebrate and express a wish for the years to come. You may wish to use a havdalah candle that can be lifted high into the center of the room where everyone can look into the flame. 

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא מְאוֹרֵי הָאֵשׁ 

Baruch atah, Adonai, Elohaynu melech ha’olam, boray me’oray ha’aysh.

Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the universe, who creates the fire's lights

As you put out the candle in a glass of wine or other beverage - everyone shouts “mazal tov!”  Or you can sing a favorite song of the birthday person. 

Remaining connected socially is critical for our mental health, especially as our friendships shift after retirement. Based on the blessing for putting on a tallit, we imagine ourselves feeling held and embraced by the bonds of a new friendship. 

Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Ruach ha’Olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu l’hitateif b'yehdidut.

Blessed are you, Adonai our God, Spirit of the Universe, who sanctifies us, commanding us to wrap ourselves in friendship.

Slowly descend the steps into the mikveh waters and immerse completely so that every part of your body is covered by the water. When you emerge, recite the following blessing:

ברוך אתה יי אלהינו מלך העולם    Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha’olam  

אשר קדשנו בטבילה במים חיים      asher kidshanu bi-t’vilah b’mayyim hayyim.

Blessed are You, God, Majestic Spirit of the Universe

who makes us holy by embracing us in living waters. (1)

Clip source: Mayyim Hayyim