KADESH: Happy Hour begins
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY
Do you know why they call it Passover? G-d told Moses that the Israelites should mark their doorposts with lamb’s blood. So that He could “pass over” their houses. And spare them from the plague of the killing of the first born. My question is: Who was put in charge of telling everyone? That’s a big job. There’s a lot counting on that job. What if someone isn’t home? How did they tell them? Did they leave a note? Probably not. The Egyptians could see it. Would have ruined the whole plan. Did they just take the liberty of putting lamb’s blood on the door? What about when that family gets home, sees blood all over their door? “Honey, do you see this? Someone put blood on our door. Someone’s out to get us! You better get off the couch and wipe this off.” “I’m busy! Have our first born do it!”
adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109
Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction - The Yada Yada Haggadah
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To help us remember the story of the first Passover, we have assembled various symbolic foods on a Seder plate. There's egg and spam; shankbone and spam; greens and spam, bitter herbs and spam, charoses and spam, and spam, and spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam matzoh and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam... Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
But I can't eat spam, it's not kosher!
The Sorting Hat of Passover
You might belong in Gryffindor where dwell the brave at heart. They forge the path for those to come with justice, tzedek, from the start!
You might belong in Hufflepuff where they are just and loyal. Those patient ‘Puffs are true and unafraid of Middle Eastern turmoil!
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw if you’ve a ready mind. Where those of wit and learning will always find chevruta in kind.
Or perhaps in Slytherin you’ll make your real friends. Those cunning folks use any sources to achieve their Talmudic ends.
Though I must fulfill my duty and must divide the table every year; still I wonder whether sorting may not bring the end I fear. Oh, know the Bible, read the Siddur, the warning with which history is fraught. For our Seder is in danger from external deadly thought! And we must stay united or we’ll crumble from within; I have told you, I have warned you, let the Jewish learning begin!
Leader: We were slaves in Egypt, now we are free. Let’s have a Seder! What’s on the Seder plate? Egg, herbs, bone, greens, charoset Let’s drink some wine. Why is this night different? Why is this child different? Ten plagues on the Egyptians. Enough already – Dayeinu! Drink wine again. Matzah, maror, hillel sandwich, let’s eat! Where’s the Afikoman? Thanks for the food! Drink some more wine. Open the door for Elijah! Drink some wine – last one. Thanking and singing. Next year in Jerusalem!
KADESH: Happy Hour begins
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY
Do you know why they call it Passover? G-d told Moses that the Israelites should mark their doorposts with lamb’s blood. So that He could “pass over” their houses. And spare them from the plague of the killing of the first born. My question is: Who was put in charge of telling everyone? That’s a big job. There’s a lot counting on that job. What if someone isn’t home? How did they tell them? Did they leave a note? Probably not. The Egyptians could see it. Would have ruined the whole plan. Did they just take the liberty of putting lamb’s blood on the door? What about when that family gets home, sees blood all over their door? “Honey, do you see this? Someone put blood on our door. Someone’s out to get us! You better get off the couch and wipe this off.” “I’m busy! Have our first born do it!”
adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109
Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction - The Yada Yada Haggadah
Preview
More
To help us remember the story of the first Passover, we have assembled various symbolic foods on a Seder plate. There's egg and spam; shankbone and spam; greens and spam, bitter herbs and spam, charoses and spam, and spam, and spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam matzoh and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam... Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
But I can't eat spam, it's not kosher!
The Sorting Hat of Passover
You might belong in Gryffindor where dwell the brave at heart. They forge the path for those to come with justice, tzedek, from the start!
You might belong in Hufflepuff where they are just and loyal. Those patient ‘Puffs are true and unafraid of Middle Eastern turmoil!
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw if you’ve a ready mind. Where those of wit and learning will always find chevruta in kind.
Or perhaps in Slytherin you’ll make your real friends. Those cunning folks use any sources to achieve their Talmudic ends.
Though I must fulfill my duty and must divide the table every year; still I wonder whether sorting may not bring the end I fear. Oh, know the Bible, read the Siddur, the warning with which history is fraught. For our Seder is in danger from external deadly thought! And we must stay united or we’ll crumble from within; I have told you, I have warned you, let the Jewish learning begin!
Leader: We were slaves in Egypt, now we are free. Let’s have a Seder! What’s on the Seder plate? Egg, herbs, bone, greens, charoset Let’s drink some wine. Why is this night different? Why is this child different? Ten plagues on the Egyptians. Enough already – Dayeinu! Drink wine again. Matzah, maror, hillel sandwich, let’s eat! Where’s the Afikoman? Thanks for the food! Drink some more wine. Open the door for Elijah! Drink some wine – last one. Thanking and singing. Next year in Jerusalem!
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