Moving Forward After the Loss of a Partner
Preview
The Moment
It can be the beginning of a stage where you celebrate the wisdom you have learned in your journey so far, a stage where you discover new ways to share the compassion that flows from your experience.
The Time and Place
Gather people on or around a big birthday. It can take place wherever you want—your home, a restaurant, a park, a synagogue. Wherever you gather, set a table for a meal where each attendee has four cups at their place setting.
The People
Your chosen family and good friends. Be sure to let your guests know in advance that they will be invited to share stories and images of their own lives from childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, middle age and beyond.
Items
Four cups or glasses for each participant (or one each that can be rinsed out between drinkings)
Milk
Sangria
Champagne
Water
Some people may choose to mark their milestone birthday by immersing in a mikveh, or ritual bath. The text below may be shared privately by the rabbi or clergy with the celebrant.
We live in a world where celebrating a big birthday feels like a mixed blessing. But coming to this mikveh is an assertion that growing older is a blessing and a privilege, and that it can be the beginning of a new stage where you celebrate the wisdom and experience you have learned in your journey so far.
The mikveh is about embracing this journey… thinking about the wisdom you have already acquired in your journey so far and imagining the journey ahead. In the biblical story of God calling Avram and Sarai telling them that they should leave the comfort of where they were and go to a place that God will show them, they were already mature adults—mature adults, beginning the next stage of their journey Along the way they made a covenant with God, a promise.
At this big birthday I would like to invite you to think about what covenant, what promise you are ready to make—to God, to yourself, to those people closest to you. But first, just as they left behind something in order to be ready for their journey, I want you to think about something you have been carrying around with you that you are ready to let go of, something that might be too heavy to continue to carry. It could be a memory of having been hurt, or of something that you feel bad about, or some feeling of inadequacy, or some tension. You don’t have to share it with me or anyone, but you might find it helpful to write it down. In the mikveh it will wash away and make room for that promise you are now ready to make the next stage of your journey.
When God made the covenant with Avram and Sarai, their names were changed to Abraham and Sarah. Their new names contained the letter hey – God’s name. In some way this mikveh is about rebirth—you are giving birth to yourself as someone who is worthy to be viewed as an elder. I like the idea of your choosing a second Hebrew name to be added to the one you already have. So think about that too…. Is there a name you would like to add to yours, to symbolize this transformation?
With that, I offer three invitations:
1) What are you ready to let go of that has been weighing you down?
2) What promise do you want to make to God, to yourself, to the people closest to you as you enter this next stage of your journey?
3) Do you want to add a Hebrew middle name to your Hebrew name? Perhaps this name could derive from a character in the Bible with whom you resonate. Or you could think about a person who has influenced you, or whom you would like to honor or even whom you would like to emulate.
While Jewish tradition originally didn’t mark birthdays, we in North America do. Turning 18 or 21 conveys a new legal status and brings new privileges. Fifty-five brings membership in the AARP. Sixty-five brings the blessing of Medicare. As people grow older, and begin to accept that there is less time ahead than behind, all birthdays seem important, especially the decade ones. The ancient text Pirkei Avot teaches us, “at 50, able to give counsel; at 60 for zikna (wisdom that comes from life experience) at 70; for seyva (fullness of age); at 80, the age of gevurah (courage); at 90, a more frail body….
These ceremonies for a major birthday assert that growing older is a blessing and a privilege—and it certainly beats the alternative. In this booklet, we offer several rituals designed to mark a major birthday. The centerpiece ritual is the Wisdom Seder, which is modeled on Jewish practices around Passover and Tu B’Shevat. Along with the Wisdom Seder, you will also find suggestions for private and communal celebrations including writing an ethical will, mikveh immersion, testament of counsel, b-mitzvah, and others.
The Psalms tell us that a person’s life is 70 years. So, if you make it to 83 it is as though you are 13 again.With that insight, you may wish to create a new b-mitzvah tradition for your congregants that transforms the custom of celebrating a second b-mitzvah at 83.
Rabbi Ed Feinstein of Valley Beth Shalom in Los Angeles, suggests holding a b-mitzvah ceremony on the occasion of every new decade after the first ceremony at the age of 13, even if someone did not have a b-mitzvah at 13.
The b-mitzvah may wish to lead part of the Shabbat or weekday service, be honored with an aliyah and to give a d’var Torah (Words of Torah), or brief talk about the Torah or Haftarah portion. Then, people important to the b-mitzvah can offer blessings.
At each major birthday of their life: 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90 or even 100 the person would share their vision of meaning for this stage of their lives, a kind of living, evolving ethical will.
Some communities, including Lab/Shul in New York City, have created a cohort-based learning program with Torah study and personal growth for a communal b-mitzvah that may be marked with the start of any new decade. Consider what the people in your congregation might need from each other as they age and explore these options together.
Another alternative is to honor all members who have celebrated a big birthday on a Shabbat with a relevant Torah portion and a communal aliyah.
Once everyone is seated around a table with four cups at their place setting, a participant reads:
לִמְנ֣וֹת יָ֭מֵינוּ כֵּ֣ן הוֹדַ֑ע וְ֝נָבִ֗א לְבַ֣ב חׇכְמָֽה
Limnot yameinu kein hoda v’navi l’vav chochmah
Teach us to count our days rightly, that we may obtain a wise heart. (Psalm 90:12)
Next, the guest of honor reads the following:
I am growing older. Admitting that truth to myself and to you is complicated. In some ways I still feel that I am the 20-year-old I once was (or the 30-year-old, or the 40-year-old). And I also know that I am who I am now because of all the choices I have made along life's journey. This is a moment of looking back and of looking forward, and of claiming what I increasingly know to be true. I want to explore this with you, as I celebrate this birthday.
Taking inspiration from a Passover seder or a Tu b’Shevat seder, today we are celebrating a Wisdom Seder. On our table we have milk, sangria, champagne, and water, with four cups for each person. Please pour the milk into the first cup.
Our first cup represents childhood—over a cup of milk. Go around the table(s) and invite participants to share a story or a recollection of childhood that contributes to their sense of wisdom now.
Recite this blessing for milk:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהַכֹּל נִהְיֶה בִּדְבָרוֹֹ
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehakol nihyeh bidvaro.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, at whose word all came to be.
The second cup symbolizes the tween, teen, and young adult years—over a glass of sangria. Invite participants to share a story or an image of the tween, teen, and young adult years that contributes to wisdom now.
Recite this blessing (for the sangria):
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן
Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha-olam, borei p’ri hagafen.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, Creator of the fruit of the vine.
The third cup honors our years of building an adult life, a family and our careers —over a glass of champagne. Invite participants to share a story or an image of building family and career that contributes to wisdom now.
Recite this blessing (for the champagne):
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן
Baruch Atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha-olam, borei p’ri hagafen.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, Creator of the fruit of the vine.
Finally, we celebrate this new stage of elderhood, over our fourth glass, a glass of water. Water, known for its life giving properties, represents ultimate clarity of vision.
Recite this blessing for water:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהַכֹּל נִהְיֶה בִּדְבָרוֹֹ
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehakol nihyeh bidvaro.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, at whose word all came to be.
A participant reads:
The traditional Jewish birthday blessing is “Ad meah v’esrim.” “May you live to be 120,” just as Moses did. Let’s join together with a contemporary reformulation which riffs off the Biblical verse that Sarah lived to be 100 years and 20 years and seven years instead of saying that Sarah lived 127 years. Why? The rabbis suggest that at 100 she was as youthful as she had been at 20 and at 20 she was as energetic as she had been at seven.
Together we say:
Ad meah k’esrim—may you live to be 100 as though you were 20—still, active, engaged, curious, and grateful.
To close, we recite the Shehecheyanu blessing, which is typically said at key milestone moments.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמָן הַזֶּה
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehecheyanu ve'kiymanu ve'higianu la-zman hazeh.
Holy One of blessing, whose Presence fills creation, You have kept us in life, sustained us, and brought us to this moment of a new beginning.
As rabbis and other community leaders accompany people through many lifecycle stages, they are uniquely positioned to help people celebrate milestone birthdays. Below are a few approaches, both private and public, that clergy and community leaders can take.
The Moment
It can be the beginning of a stage where you celebrate the wisdom you have learned in your journey so far, a stage where you discover new ways to share the compassion that flows from your experience.
The Time and Place
Gather people on or around a big birthday. It can take place wherever you want—your home, a restaurant, a park, a synagogue. Wherever you gather, set a table for a meal where each attendee has four cups at their place setting.
The People
Your chosen family and good friends. Be sure to let your guests know in advance that they will be invited to share stories and images of their own lives from childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, middle age and beyond.
Items
Four cups or glasses for each participant (or one each that can be rinsed out between drinkings)
Milk
Sangria
Champagne
Water
Some people may choose to mark their milestone birthday by immersing in a mikveh, or ritual bath. The text below may be shared privately by the rabbi or clergy with the celebrant.
We live in a world where celebrating a big birthday feels like a mixed blessing. But coming to this mikveh is an assertion that growing older is a blessing and a privilege, and that it can be the beginning of a new stage where you celebrate the wisdom and experience you have learned in your journey so far.
The mikveh is about embracing this journey… thinking about the wisdom you have already acquired in your journey so far and imagining the journey ahead. In the biblical story of God calling Avram and Sarai telling them that they should leave the comfort of where they were and go to a place that God will show them, they were already mature adults—mature adults, beginning the next stage of their journey Along the way they made a covenant with God, a promise.
At this big birthday I would like to invite you to think about what covenant, what promise you are ready to make—to God, to yourself, to those people closest to you. But first, just as they left behind something in order to be ready for their journey, I want you to think about something you have been carrying around with you that you are ready to let go of, something that might be too heavy to continue to carry. It could be a memory of having been hurt, or of something that you feel bad about, or some feeling of inadequacy, or some tension. You don’t have to share it with me or anyone, but you might find it helpful to write it down. In the mikveh it will wash away and make room for that promise you are now ready to make the next stage of your journey.
When God made the covenant with Avram and Sarai, their names were changed to Abraham and Sarah. Their new names contained the letter hey – God’s name. In some way this mikveh is about rebirth—you are giving birth to yourself as someone who is worthy to be viewed as an elder. I like the idea of your choosing a second Hebrew name to be added to the one you already have. So think about that too…. Is there a name you would like to add to yours, to symbolize this transformation?
With that, I offer three invitations:
1) What are you ready to let go of that has been weighing you down?
2) What promise do you want to make to God, to yourself, to the people closest to you as you enter this next stage of your journey?
3) Do you want to add a Hebrew middle name to your Hebrew name? Perhaps this name could derive from a character in the Bible with whom you resonate. Or you could think about a person who has influenced you, or whom you would like to honor or even whom you would like to emulate.
While Jewish tradition originally didn’t mark birthdays, we in North America do. Turning 18 or 21 conveys a new legal status and brings new privileges. Fifty-five brings membership in the AARP. Sixty-five brings the blessing of Medicare. As people grow older, and begin to accept that there is less time ahead than behind, all birthdays seem important, especially the decade ones. The ancient text Pirkei Avot teaches us, “at 50, able to give counsel; at 60 for zikna (wisdom that comes from life experience) at 70; for seyva (fullness of age); at 80, the age of gevurah (courage); at 90, a more frail body….
These ceremonies for a major birthday assert that growing older is a blessing and a privilege—and it certainly beats the alternative. In this booklet, we offer several rituals designed to mark a major birthday. The centerpiece ritual is the Wisdom Seder, which is modeled on Jewish practices around Passover and Tu B’Shevat. Along with the Wisdom Seder, you will also find suggestions for private and communal celebrations including writing an ethical will, mikveh immersion, testament of counsel, b-mitzvah, and others.
The Psalms tell us that a person’s life is 70 years. So, if you make it to 83 it is as though you are 13 again.With that insight, you may wish to create a new b-mitzvah tradition for your congregants that transforms the custom of celebrating a second b-mitzvah at 83.
Rabbi Ed Feinstein of Valley Beth Shalom in Los Angeles, suggests holding a b-mitzvah ceremony on the occasion of every new decade after the first ceremony at the age of 13, even if someone did not have a b-mitzvah at 13.
The b-mitzvah may wish to lead part of the Shabbat or weekday service, be honored with an aliyah and to give a d’var Torah (Words of Torah), or brief talk about the Torah or Haftarah portion. Then, people important to the b-mitzvah can offer blessings.
At each major birthday of their life: 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90 or even 100 the person would share their vision of meaning for this stage of their lives, a kind of living, evolving ethical will.
Some communities, including Lab/Shul in New York City, have created a cohort-based learning program with Torah study and personal growth for a communal b-mitzvah that may be marked with the start of any new decade. Consider what the people in your congregation might need from each other as they age and explore these options together.
Another alternative is to honor all members who have celebrated a big birthday on a Shabbat with a relevant Torah portion and a communal aliyah.
Once everyone is seated around a table with four cups at their place setting, a participant reads:
לִמְנ֣וֹת יָ֭מֵינוּ כֵּ֣ן הוֹדַ֑ע וְ֝נָבִ֗א לְבַ֣ב חׇכְמָֽה
Limnot yameinu kein hoda v’navi l’vav chochmah
Teach us to count our days rightly, that we may obtain a wise heart. (Psalm 90:12)
Next, the guest of honor reads the following:
I am growing older. Admitting that truth to myself and to you is complicated. In some ways I still feel that I am the 20-year-old I once was (or the 30-year-old, or the 40-year-old). And I also know that I am who I am now because of all the choices I have made along life's journey. This is a moment of looking back and of looking forward, and of claiming what I increasingly know to be true. I want to explore this with you, as I celebrate this birthday.
Taking inspiration from a Passover seder or a Tu b’Shevat seder, today we are celebrating a Wisdom Seder. On our table we have milk, sangria, champagne, and water, with four cups for each person. Please pour the milk into the first cup.
Our first cup represents childhood—over a cup of milk. Go around the table(s) and invite participants to share a story or a recollection of childhood that contributes to their sense of wisdom now.
Recite this blessing for milk:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהַכֹּל נִהְיֶה בִּדְבָרוֹֹ
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehakol nihyeh bidvaro.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, at whose word all came to be.
The second cup symbolizes the tween, teen, and young adult years—over a glass of sangria. Invite participants to share a story or an image of the tween, teen, and young adult years that contributes to wisdom now.
Recite this blessing (for the sangria):
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן
Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha-olam, borei p’ri hagafen.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, Creator of the fruit of the vine.
The third cup honors our years of building an adult life, a family and our careers —over a glass of champagne. Invite participants to share a story or an image of building family and career that contributes to wisdom now.
Recite this blessing (for the champagne):
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן
Baruch Atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha-olam, borei p’ri hagafen.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, Creator of the fruit of the vine.
Finally, we celebrate this new stage of elderhood, over our fourth glass, a glass of water. Water, known for its life giving properties, represents ultimate clarity of vision.
Recite this blessing for water:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהַכֹּל נִהְיֶה בִּדְבָרוֹֹ
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehakol nihyeh bidvaro.
Blessed are You, our Eternal God, Sovereign of all, at whose word all came to be.
A participant reads:
The traditional Jewish birthday blessing is “Ad meah v’esrim.” “May you live to be 120,” just as Moses did. Let’s join together with a contemporary reformulation which riffs off the Biblical verse that Sarah lived to be 100 years and 20 years and seven years instead of saying that Sarah lived 127 years. Why? The rabbis suggest that at 100 she was as youthful as she had been at 20 and at 20 she was as energetic as she had been at seven.
Together we say:
Ad meah k’esrim—may you live to be 100 as though you were 20—still, active, engaged, curious, and grateful.
To close, we recite the Shehecheyanu blessing, which is typically said at key milestone moments.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמָן הַזֶּה
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam shehecheyanu ve'kiymanu ve'higianu la-zman hazeh.
Holy One of blessing, whose Presence fills creation, You have kept us in life, sustained us, and brought us to this moment of a new beginning.
As rabbis and other community leaders accompany people through many lifecycle stages, they are uniquely positioned to help people celebrate milestone birthdays. Below are a few approaches, both private and public, that clergy and community leaders can take.
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